RoadReconstruction

How can something change a life? In my case: a blog.

I still don’t know bro, but I’m looking for the answers. I came up with something yesterday when I was trying to fall asleep. (it is a bit hard when you want to smoke as hell)

To be honest I should be studying now but my lazy roommate is sleeping and our flat is dark like a cave without lights. He’s sleeping I can’t turn on any lamps so I can’t study “unfortunately”, that’s why I’m writing this post.

Now let’s say I’m gonna draw an imaginary timeline. 

But first you have to understand one thing. (It is really important to me) I am not writing the following sentences because I want to make someone feel sorry for me. Actually it’s almost impossible because you don’t know who I am or where I live exactly. But maybe this post (and the next one(s)) will help someone. So let’s see my past:

How can someone get depressed? 

According to tons of articles (written by British scientists, of course) Normally people get depressed because they’ve lost control over their lives. They don’t know what to do.

 I think it was the same with me. My father cheated on my mother, so yes.. my parents got divorced. (I was 11 or 12 years old.) but I think it’s not a big deal, you get sad, cry and so on. But it’s not the end of the world, because it’s “just” a divorce. 

Of course first you don’t know what happens next but it’s not a reason (in my case it was not) to get depressed. And then it starts. You have to meet your new “mother” and “father”

.

Actually I kind of liked my father’s girlfriend. She was cool, nice (if I remember correctly she had big boobs) and I really like nature and she had a big and awesome garden. Love at first sight, you know.

On the other hand, my mother’s boyfriends hm. How should I say? He was a great guy, smart, clever etc. he wasn’t that typical manly man, but he was ok. 

After 2 years my parents got back together and everything was fine for a couple of months. And then it started again. 

Arguments every single day, sad atmosphere, everything was just a nightmare and shit. 

They broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up. it happened almost 20 times in 6 or 7 years. (kind of lame, right?) 

I was 15 when everything started changing around me. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t smile, I didn’t want to get up in the morning, I was always tired, I couldn’t enjoy anything. I kept saying it’s just the hormones. 

But no, it was not because of the hormones. I hated being at home and unfortunately the situation was the same in school. 

My classmates did not understand what was happening to me, I was the loser bastard who was always sad, my teachers did not recognize anything. 

What did I do?

I was sad as fuck. Always. I lost the meaning of my life. I hated going to school and I couldn’t stay in my room. So after school I went home, had lunch and I was gone for hours. I went out with some friends. We were just enjoying life, having conversations about everything.

 I got worse and worse marks because I went out every day instead of learning. Everyone thought I was just lazy as hell. No one asked me if I was ok. In high school it was almost the same. I liked my class but I could not fit in. 

When I turned into 16 I made my mother bring me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with depression. My teachers didn’t understand (well.. not all of them) They kept telling me: “it’s impossible, you can’t be depressed… you have no reason to be depressed, you don’t have to pay the bills.” 

I lost lots of people because I wanted to avoid everyone, I did not want to talk. I was doing badly at school, I didn’t care anything. I changed class but not because of my classmates, eventually they were cool. I changed class because I had to change it because I failed my second examination. I didn’t want to start it over.. not that way. So I changed my class into night school.  

The situation was the same with my brother. He’s absolutely the opposite of me. 

He’s strong, big and proud. (that time I used to be a lifeless corpse) But he was also broken. He was suffering from panic attacks. 

I still didn’t know that it was going to happen to me as well. I had my first panic attack 2 years ago.  I was in one of my friends’ car and suddenly I just got scared, my heart was beating very fast, I couldn’t breath and I thought I was dying. 

Of course we had to go to the hospital where a nurse gave me sedative.  After “this adventure” I couldn’t leave my bed, my whole body was just shaking for three days. 

Everything was fucking scary and I was afraid to leave my room. I wanted to continue living my life so I decided to start taking pills against panic attacks. I still take them...

To be continued.