Before I start this post with my future we have to go back  (just a little bit, don’t worry)

One year ago, before my Italian projects but after my depression I used to be worried all the time. 

I was worried about my future, my entire life, my family, my friends, the disgusting society, so I was worried about everything. 

“Do my friends really like me?” If they do, what is the f*cking reason because I always have to call them?”
“Am I important?” “Am I good enough?” “Am I handsome?” “What if I can’t fit in a group?” "What if I lose everything in my life?” “Am I stupid?” “Will I be poor?” “Does that girl like me?” “Would she be my girlfriend?” “Is my English good enough?” “How will I die?” “Why do I have to die?”

You can be rich, poor, muscular or thin but you have to admit: 

You also have a moment every day when you start thinking (actually overreacting everything) when your dark side, your bad clone, your demon or your Milka cow (you can call it whatever you want to call) gets up and makes you worried.

I was just thinking and thinking all the time. When I was already in Italy I still had this “thing”. 

And one day I just realized that my hair was falling out. In my family every man is very hairy (we’re like mammoths) so I was absolutely sure it wasn’t happening because of the genes. 

And what is the easiest ways if you want to find out why you’re dying? 

Google, yes!!

Of course I found lots of articles why “I’ll cross the road in two hours” and I found my enemy too. 

It’s everywhere, it’s being hated, it’s a bastard and it’s called: stress.

When I had to leave Italy I left behind my enemy and I’ve decided to live a normal life (if it’s possible)

Somehow I could accept: Life is not perfect and I have two choices:
- I’ll continue being stressful and go crazy in 2 years or
- I’ll start living a normal life and let our society makes me go crazy in 40-50 years.

And now let’s get back to my future:

I think everyone should write a bucket list and now here’s mine:

Before I die I want to  …

-          Learn how to skateboard

-          Live in Brighton

-          Make new friends with 5 bloggers from different countries

-          Change someone’s life

-          Have a Husky

-          Go to Faroe Islands

-          Go to Canada

-          Find 20 new very good friends

-          Have a wife and two children

-          Work for Unicef and WWF

-          Be a professional blogger

-          Travel around the world

-          Meet Shinedown

-          Learn how to draw

-          Speak 3 languages fluently

-          Support my family

-          Help people

-          Be a journalist 

I’ll continue writing the post about my past but first a small piece of present. 

So I moved to Budapest one month ago but I don’t know exactly why. 

I’m studying at the university but sometimes I think I should’ve stayed in Italy. Better I should’ve gone to England like everyone else nowadays in Europa. At least my English would be almost perfect by now.

"What do you wanna do with your life?"

How many times have you heard this fucking question? Or even better:

What kind of job would you like to do later?

My answer is still a big: I would be the happiest man on earth if I knew.

But let’s see my present:

I haven’t smoked for 96 hours, which means I created this blog 96 hours ago. When I was crazy enough (or drunk) to start sharing my genius thoughts with the world. 

This post will suck because I got up 10 minutes ago so I’m not sure if I’m awake. But because now I’m writing (or at least I’m trying) about my present, let me tell you some facts about Budapest. 

So Budapest is the capital city of Hungary and Hungary is a typical “not too big-not too small” country. 

It used to be much bigger but unfortunately fortune wasn’t on Hungarians’ side during history. 

I think this is the reason because Hungarians are a bit depressed, but they’re cool. Budapest is beautiful, it’s old and modern at the same time. You can find lots of pubs, restaurants and other awesome places. 

My flat is really close to the Parliament which is just amazing. 

The university is very cheap, well… a lot cheaper than in England for example. I’m studying Tourism and Business management, I really like it but I don’t know if I am interested in it at all. The lectures are very interesting and (I’ve never thought I’d say this but the time has arrived) finally something useful.

My family believes in: “You have to finish what you start, bastard!” crap so they want me to continue this all university stuff but I don’t know if I want to. 

I’ve already spoken to them about this and of course if I really want to give it up I can. 

Sometimes I just think it’s a waste of time and I’m not ever sure if this degree is worth. 

And besides I have to find a job because I can’t live on my parents anymore.

What’s my problem? Lots of people do this.

Maybe this is the problem. I don’t want to be just a fucking robot who gets up, works, eats and sleeps. For example, my flat mate was studying all day long, he didn’t go out, he didn’t do anything else just studying. Now he’s on Facebook while he’s watching Instagram on his phone. The prefect slave for this capitalistic world, a robot who doesn’t ask, doesn’t think, a robot who uses products like Instagram, who buys shoes for 300 euros, who just accepts everything. A robot who doesn’t go out, who doesn’t see the world, who doesn’t hang out with his friends. A robot who has no life. 

 I’ve been always that typical: “pff fuck this society and this world, it sucks” guy.

Now I just came up with my next post. 

To be continued…

How can something change a life? In my case: a blog.

I still don’t know bro, but I’m looking for the answers. I came up with something yesterday when I was trying to fall asleep. (it is a bit hard when you want to smoke as hell)

To be honest I should be studying now but my lazy roommate is sleeping and our flat is dark like a cave without lights. He’s sleeping I can’t turn on any lamps so I can’t study “unfortunately”, that’s why I’m writing this post.

Now let’s say I’m gonna draw an imaginary timeline. 

But first you have to understand one thing. (It is really important to me) I am not writing the following sentences because I want to make someone feel sorry for me. Actually it’s almost impossible because you don’t know who I am or where I live exactly. But maybe this post (and the next one(s)) will help someone. So let’s see my past:

How can someone get depressed? 

According to tons of articles (written by British scientists, of course) Normally people get depressed because they’ve lost control over their lives. They don’t know what to do.

 I think it was the same with me. My father cheated on my mother, so yes.. my parents got divorced. (I was 11 or 12 years old.) but I think it’s not a big deal, you get sad, cry and so on. But it’s not the end of the world, because it’s “just” a divorce. 

Of course first you don’t know what happens next but it’s not a reason (in my case it was not) to get depressed. And then it starts. You have to meet your new “mother” and “father”

.

Actually I kind of liked my father’s girlfriend. She was cool, nice (if I remember correctly she had big boobs) and I really like nature and she had a big and awesome garden. Love at first sight, you know.

On the other hand, my mother’s boyfriends hm. How should I say? He was a great guy, smart, clever etc. he wasn’t that typical manly man, but he was ok. 

After 2 years my parents got back together and everything was fine for a couple of months. And then it started again. 

Arguments every single day, sad atmosphere, everything was just a nightmare and shit. 

They broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up. it happened almost 20 times in 6 or 7 years. (kind of lame, right?) 

I was 15 when everything started changing around me. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t smile, I didn’t want to get up in the morning, I was always tired, I couldn’t enjoy anything. I kept saying it’s just the hormones. 

But no, it was not because of the hormones. I hated being at home and unfortunately the situation was the same in school. 

My classmates did not understand what was happening to me, I was the loser bastard who was always sad, my teachers did not recognize anything. 

What did I do?

I was sad as fuck. Always. I lost the meaning of my life. I hated going to school and I couldn’t stay in my room. So after school I went home, had lunch and I was gone for hours. I went out with some friends. We were just enjoying life, having conversations about everything.

 I got worse and worse marks because I went out every day instead of learning. Everyone thought I was just lazy as hell. No one asked me if I was ok. In high school it was almost the same. I liked my class but I could not fit in. 

When I turned into 16 I made my mother bring me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with depression. My teachers didn’t understand (well.. not all of them) They kept telling me: “it’s impossible, you can’t be depressed… you have no reason to be depressed, you don’t have to pay the bills.” 

I lost lots of people because I wanted to avoid everyone, I did not want to talk. I was doing badly at school, I didn’t care anything. I changed class but not because of my classmates, eventually they were cool. I changed class because I had to change it because I failed my second examination. I didn’t want to start it over.. not that way. So I changed my class into night school.  

The situation was the same with my brother. He’s absolutely the opposite of me. 

He’s strong, big and proud. (that time I used to be a lifeless corpse) But he was also broken. He was suffering from panic attacks. 

I still didn’t know that it was going to happen to me as well. I had my first panic attack 2 years ago.  I was in one of my friends’ car and suddenly I just got scared, my heart was beating very fast, I couldn’t breath and I thought I was dying. 

Of course we had to go to the hospital where a nurse gave me sedative.  After “this adventure” I couldn’t leave my bed, my whole body was just shaking for three days. 

Everything was fucking scary and I was afraid to leave my room. I wanted to continue living my life so I decided to start taking pills against panic attacks. I still take them...

To be continued.

Post number one - The lamest introducion in history

15 October 2015

A laptop, a guy and a can of beer. 

- What would happen normally?

 I'd get drunk and go pick up a chick, watch some porn or just sleep.

But not this time..

Now I know what you think:

" Pff no.. Then it's another f*cking blog, another loser who wants to be a blogger?! Why? The question is good.

- Why does someone want to be a blogger? 

Or vlogger or youtuber or just something with "ER". Maybe because of fame, money (if he or she is good enough) 

How does it work nowadays?

So many people think if they write some genius thoughts or make a video: “How I drink my coffee at 6 o’clock in the morning” 

They’ll be super famous after one month. So don’t hesitate!

 Of course you’ll need a twitter account where you can post your “world changing” pictures with quotes. A twitter account where you HAVE TO add every idiot and if you’re lucky they’ll follow you back, don’t worry none of them will read your stuff and you don’t give a shit about theirs either. 

But at least you’re building your world. 

Then why do I wanna be one of these idiots?

So here comes my lame reason: (while I'm writing the lamest "welcome to my blog" post in history) 

The reason is very easy. My life sucks. (Didn't see it coming, right?)

Life sucks 

I think I’ve already tried almost everything to change my life.

First of all, you have to know I am that typical “stressful asshole” who gets angry very easily.

7 years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, you don’t need to know who I am but now I’m 22. 

So my life fell apart when I was about 15 years old (don’t make the “ooooh” sound) 

To be honest if I read a post like this I’d make the “pff, who the hell cares” sound. 

However I think the “I have to rebuild everything around me” time has arrived. As I mentioned earlier I’ve tried almost everything: relaxation techniques, meditation, books, pills, psychologist, weed (only three times). Of course none of them worked. Expect alcohol… but I don’t want to be alcoholic. 

Now I want to try out this blog stuff. And how is it gonna change my life?

Somehow, I don’t know yet. But let me introduce myself to you. 

I left my home and moved to Budapest (Hungary) because I thought I was going to need a big change in my life after Italy

• ( I was working there as a volunteer for a while). So I didn’t stay at home because I didn’t want to be surrounded by horseface idiots anymore. If I wanna be honest I was going to move to Brighton (England) but instead now I’m here in Hungary.

But now I really need something that motivates me (this blog). We’ll see how it works exactly but I gave myself 8 months to rebuild everything, 8 months to get rid of my old life, assholes and other negative stuff. 

• Design? Can we call it “desing”? Let’s just say at least my blog is not naked like Pamela Anderson. But she’s got a very sexy body and big boobs so maybe the correct answer: My blog should be naked like Pamela Anderson. Whatever.. so it’s a desing but don’t worry couch hero friends I’ll be working on it.

And the name: Road reconstruction. In this sentence the word “road” refers to my life. Get it?

And the last thing: English is not my mother tongue so yeah.. I’m sure you’ll find lots of grammar mistakes.

Thank you sister or brother for reading my crap.